Accepting Generosity
Photo by Porapak Apichodilok from Pexels
In university, I took a Philosophy course on contemporary morals and ethics. In one of our first classes, the professor asked us to debate the question, “how morally obligated are we to caring for others less fortunate than ourselves?”
This question stuck with me, even years after, tumbling around in my head whenever presented with an opportunity to help. We are, after all, living in a culture of guilt, and I personally was raised by two people that prioritize others needs before their own in a way that can baffle the mind. I was also raised to be respectful, considerate, cooperative and accommodating. Forever the proper hostess, making others feel as welcome, comfortable and cared for as possible.
It is an instinct – to do what I can, when I can. But it is also trained into me. It is a “should” – people should do what they can, when they can.
And it comes with a system of accounting. A running, ethical tally. Someone does something for you, you pay them back. No one pays the bill twice in a row. Everything is recorded, noted, balanced. Don’t forget to send a thank you card, and make sure you know what each person sent.
On Saturday night, I got a text from my mother. “Did you see this?” It was an article in Kelowna Now news. “Okanagan rallies behind sick Peachland girl.” The article was about our situation – Violet’s cancer diagnosis – along with a mention of the GoFundMe account to support us during this time. It said that our expenses will be an issue while be battle this, and that our family set up the fundraiser with a goal of $100,000.
It felt like a full out solicitation, and it made me very uncomfortable. For one, it wasn’t exactly accurate. Family did not set up the fundraiser. And the goal gave the impression that we were looking for more than I felt we needed.
What bothered me was that the article didn’t communicate the real truth behind the words. Journalism, after all, presents a handful of facts without assessment or full context, so we can read into it what we want to. The TRUTH behind the article – the context – is that a whole town full of loving, caring, hopeful friends have, in fact, rallied behind a sick Peachland girl, and set up an account on our behalf to take away any ounce of stress and anxiety possible while we struggle with this new reality.
The TRUTH is that handfuls of people asked permission in the early stages of this to set up a fund, and we declined. We didn’t want “hand-outs”. We didn’t want anyone carrying any additional burden, or giving us anything we wouldn’t need. At the time, we had no idea just what we were in for (and are still figuring out just how extensive and high risk this is), but were against taking anything from anyone.
Everything needs to be in balance. Accounted for. Tallied.
But after denying friend after friend, it went ahead anyway, with the acknowledgment that we would never give the green light to accept these offerings on our own.
And I am eternally grateful.
Those same amazing friends contacted news sources with incredible words expressing the desire to spread the love, to keep the support going, to encourage us during this time of need. Their message didn’t completely align with what was eventually written, because their message wasn’t a solicitation for funds. It was an outreach for love – for more people to get on board of this incredible wave of support and generosity.
I have shared some of this fund with my mother, who, overnight, moved across the province with my 5-year old daughter into the Ronald McDonald House on hospital grounds and is now raising her as I sleep on a couch in the ICU. Getting her to accept money from me, let alone strangers, has been no easy feat. Because we are so much more comfortable giving.
But there has been yet another profound lesson in this. Generosity is not an obligation. It is not a should. All of these incredibly generous people that have given their money and hearts and thoughts to us during this time are not doing it because they should. There is no tally. There is an opening to the flow of love that is giving everyone involved – everyone that is resonating with this agonizing situation – a sense of contribution, control and connection. In letting others support us, we are able to better support our little girl. We can feel that love, and it is fueling our strength, confidence and determination to beat this. It is giving us a sense of community, knowing we are being held up with a whole network of hearts that are coming together in a shared sense of hope and faith.
If it were me on the other side, I too would do everything I could, and I know that.
But it isn’t a tally. It isn’t about “I would give this much, so it’s ok to take this much.” It isn’t about giving and taking. It’s about letting the love flow, and I know it. And if I need the tally, I can affirm to myself that whenever presented with the chance, I will always, ALWAYS contribute.
Why? Because it feels good. Because in this – in everything – we are all looking to feel good. To feel better. To soothe ourselves. To feel like we have a sense of control and empowerment. To feel like what we do matters.
Today is my younger daughter’s 5th birthday. I want to spoil the crap out of her. Not because I should. Because it feels good to make those you love feel good. Because feeling good is the point. We have too many excuses not to feel good, and what does that ever do? We are not obligated to feel bad, ever, even when (especiallywhen) others feel bad. No amount of guilt or shame or heartache makes anyone else better. It is generating those good feelings that has the ability to heal.
I will keep saying how grateful I am, because it is a kind of profound gratitude I have never, ever experienced before. It needs to be restated. But when I see donations, when friends offer to pay our mortgage, or send packages of gifts that are beyond what I could imagine, I have to let it in. I have to allow things to flow. Resistance and guilt are barriers to healing, and I know that now. I have to let everyone be a part of this process, this progress to wellness. We are all in this together now. And if anything, I am soliciting the world for LOVE in general – love to their neighbour, their families, their friends, their town, their precious lives.
Thank you, thank you, to all of you.