Fear, Vulnerability and Identity
Photo by Bianca Salgado from Pexels
Over the past two years, I have developed panic disorder.
I could explain the suggestions as to why, the validations and the details, but the real reason I am writing about this is simple – I want to consider our vulnerability in our identity, particularly our professional one.
In “branding”, composing a picture of our company/product/service is an intentional act. It is about identifying features that resonate with an audience and offer proof of value within a given market need.
But in personal branding, it is a bit more complicated. Why? Because personal branding is about people, and people are not simply a product.
Human beings are fallible. Imperfect. Vulnerable. Constantly evolving, changing and learning. Products and companies, too, grow and develop, but at the core we do not evaluate a company in the same way we evaluate a person. It’s not “personal”, and therefore it isn’t nearly as intricate.
As a Coach, I find the idea of vulnerability to be a very powerful one. We are all unique and so much of the value we bring to others comes through our ability to own our own humanity – our fears and struggles and stories, and our ability to relate those to the world at large. In the workplace, our ability to work with others and collaborate is relative to our own emotional intelligence, which is based on our competency at managing emotions. Emotions are a central part of how we participate in the “market” – something that doesn’t come into play in corporate branding.
My passion has always been to work with people, to play with ideas, and to inspire things to move forward. In other words, my professional goals have always involved creativity, interpersonal connections, and taking risks. Despite spending most of my days behind a computer, I teach. I coach. I speak. I put ideas out there that may fail (and do), and put myself out there in ways that most definitely ignite a sense of vulnerability and fear.
I am like most, and am plagued by a constant background hum of “not good enough”. Of “imposter syndrome.”
I’ve always been fairly confident and courageous, I’d say. I’ve jumped off bridges, lived overseas, explored the deep ocean. I’ve had CHILDREN, for crying out loud. But I am deeply affected by anxiety, and sometimes it cripples me.
Lately – perhaps in light of COVID paranoia and the general tension in the world – this anxiety regularly takes me completely out. Rationality aside, it is often difficult for me to get through the day.
And yet, I do. I get up, I meditate, I do what I have to do to carry out my intentions in this world. And often it is not easy. And for a long time, I was terrified that a “condition” like this meant I would have to lie, hide, and otherwise cheat my way through a career that concealed this vulnerability. Because after all, mental illness is a liability.
Our world is changing, and particularly in light of the epidemic, when it comes to stigma surrounding mental wellness. Luckily, we are learning to find a more open, safe place to understand and accept these challenges, embracing them and supporting them in news ways. What is most interesting to me, and valuable, is that there is now seemingly more awareness of the complexity of “value” and the flexibility that exists in facilitating ways we can contribute. What seemed to be a liability at one point – an anxiety disorder, for example – now has the possibility of being viewed with a different lens. I myself know that my anxiety stems from a deep sense of caring – a “sensitivity” – that allows me to do the work I do with meaning and intention. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t work to understand my clients on the level that I do, or aim to produce the same quality in my work.
For me, this “condition” has meant carving out a work scenario that is kind to it. It took me many years to accept the fact that I am not always at my best, that I am not always “on top of it” when I wake up, and that my interactions during the day might be particularly difficult. As a Coach and Teacher, knowing that I might have a “bad day” when I need to be on my game is scary, but I work with it, and manage it the way I need to. I work from home, and do much of what I do behind a computer screen, which at least allows me to focus my creative energy into projects that add value but don’t always require such forced effort to “overcome” fear.
But I don’t see it as a liability anymore. For those opportunities and organizations that once had an iron grip over me – the ones I knew wouldn’t “fit” because I could never handle a 9-5 desk job, per se – they are now simply not a fit, rather than a failure. I’m not afraid anymore that I will be “discovered” for my faults.
When we create our own brand, we have to find that sweet spot where our authenticity – our strengths and our vulnerabilities – meet the market. Our potential employer doesn’t need to know in a job interview that we have an addiction to donuts and will therefore likely have a box stashed in our desk at all times because, really, that’s not relevant. And we don’t need to get into the nitty gritty of our deepest, darkest fears. But demonstrating our humanity is a good thing. All of us, after all, have our weaknesses, but it is our ability to work with them, learn from them, own them and allow them to push us forward, that shows our true colors.
Today is a particularly tough day for me – one of those days when I feel like I want to hide under the covers and let the fear take me down. But there’s too much that I want, too much that I want to give and do, to allow myself to do that. And I think it’s important to own this, and share it with others, so that there continues to be a safe space for us all to be real, authentic, and vulnerable. I know I need that safe space, and if I don’t give it to myself, I can’t expect anyone else too, either.