Judge Not…

Wisdom.

It’s a funny thing…easy to preach, and completely impossible, at times, to demonstrate.

I feel like my life, sometimes, is a testament to this. I obsessively analyze my day to day to the point of insanity, trying to get at the heart of every little thing. How can I see this better? How can I give someone more of the benefit of the doubt? How can I take this material of life and turn it into meaning?

But when I get the chance to apply these principles and nuggets of insight, I default to my hypocritical humanness.

I can be a bit much, even for myself.

I find myself telling my kids all the time not to make other people’s shit their problem. I use more age-appropriate language, but the gist is that if someone is judgmental or unkind, it is more about what’s going on with them than it is about you. Bullying is an act of trying to level the playing field when someone feels vulnerable or shameful or weak.

Today I was bullied by someone I love. It wasn’t intended in that way. From their point of view, they were being virtuous and just. But their words were viciously judgmental and hurtful. And instead of taking my own advice, I let it slice me up into little pieces on the inside.

Unfortunately, I am insufferably human.

I do a lot of mental gymnastics every day to try to see things as productively, and fairly, and holistically as I can. This obsessive need to be open stems from a lot of things from childhood, no doubt. But I have a hard time nailing down my point of view for fear that I am “seeing things wrong” – not taking into account how the other person feels, or their lens of the world, or their priorities that might not align with mine.

Because no one can really understand us, not really.

I lean into other people’s good intentions because we all have opinions. We all have judgments. We all come from somewhere and think what we do because of the places we’ve been, the things we’ve seen, the pains we’ve suffered through. We have our own interpretations and ways of defending them, and most of the time, I struggle with “right or wrong”. Because who says?

“You have to have your own stance, Shawna,” Matt says a lot, as long as he’s not trying to get me to agree with his. “Not everything is relative. Black is black. Water is wet. Two plus two is four.”

“I bet you can find all kinds of forums online that have arguments against each and every one of those points.”

But living like everything is relative is exhausting. You have to take a side. You have to have an opinion. You have to choose, sometimes, one way or another.

So how does that work with the opinions of others? When is it ok to make judgements? To hold others accountable to the way you think they should behave?

I’ve struggled with this in ways I can’t count since Violet got sick. When we were in the hospital, the gravity of our situation seemed to get us “off the hook” in terms of having to take into consideration other people’s judgments of us. What I mean is, there are always people out there that feel a certain way about the way you dress, the way you spend money, the way you act at a party, the way you raise your kids. But when the chips are that down, those kinds of judgments take a back seat. Similar to the way it’s tough to acknowledge people’s faults when they pass away, it’s tough to call the guy whose kid is dying an asshole. It just doesn’t sit right.

And there is also an almost self-righteous aspect to parenting that you take on, as well. Maybe not yourself, but the way others speak of you. “I can’t imagine going through what you’ve gone through. You are such an amazing parent.”

Until you are back in the swing of things and your kids are eating too much sugar, acting out at school, and being unreasonable with their friends.

Ding ding! Back in the ring. All bets are off, again. Get your kids shit together, and yours, for that matter.

I took things hard today because I felt judged for something that the other party could not possibly have had any real understanding of. It was a completely unmerited, unkind, unfathomable verdict on a mother…especially a mother like ME. You know, a Cancer Mom.

But aren’t we all judging each other for things we don’t understand? Aren’t we all, in some way or another, calling each other out for inappropriateness or impoliteness or inconsistency, when the reality is probably that there are things going on that would make us change our opinion if we only knew?

We all have secret battles. Challenges. Physical and mental and emotional issues. And we are all doing our best. Our shortcomings don’t dictate our worth as human beings.

But we also don’t have to like everyone else. We don’t have to agree with other people’s choices or approve of their behaviour.

My husband is one of those people that is very easily misunderstood. He’s not like me – he is not a people-pleaser, though he loves nothing more than pleasing others. It’s not his MO to perform for anyone. He is very real, starkly honest all the time, incapable of being anything but who he is and what he’s feeling in any given moment. And he’s easily misread. And now I watch my daughter – equally as stubbornly authentic – challenged by the pressure to perform. To act “appropriately”. To be liked and understood.

So as a parent I’m trying to figure out the best approach to guide her to own who she is while still behaving in a way that others can understand. To socialize her without diluting her uniqueness. To teach her the difference between kindness and compliance. Between cooperating and conceding.

And I also want to apply this wisdom, too, to my life. I want to allow others to have their opinions while not needing them to dictate who I think I should be. I want to not judge others for judging me, because that in and of itself is hypocrisy. I want to be able to take a stance without nudging out others that may feel differently.

There are always nuggets of insight to address, and in my anger today I was able to find one – judge not, lest ye be judged. And let it go when others don’t understand you. Hint hint…they never will. And its ok.

Bullies don’t acknowledge your personal struggles, but you can acknowledge theirs. And find a space for it. And not make their shit about you.

Unless you are being shitty. And in that case, smarten up. No one likes a poopy pants.