Exposed

OK, so here it is…

I’ve been sharing (alright, OVERsharing maybe) my life, and my journey, in the public sphere for some time.

There are reasons for that. One, I am NOT a private person. Never have been, never could be. I was raised to overshare. Sharing is caring…or at least, sharing keeps you from having secrets you are terrified will get out.

It’s obnoxious to some, and I get that. I know how I feel when people post daily pictures of their meals, and workout routines, and intimate thoughts about what socks to where, in long blurbs on their social media.

Who cares?!

Except I’ve found that some people do.

For me, hearing other’s stories is a fundamental part of the joy of life. It’s why I am a coach and a writer. Nothing connects us more powerfully than story. Or inspires us. Or educates us. Or makes us feel less alone.

I realize that this makes me vulnerable to criticism. And for someone that lives off of the approval of others, you’d think this would be a serious deterrent for exposing the fine details of my imperfect existence.

Strangely, it is not. In fact, it is the most grounding, therapeutic thing I do for myself. Sharing my stories makes me feel connected to the world and gives me purpose and meaning.

Not everyone has to agree on that meaning. And not everyone has to think it’s valuable. For my sweet, private husband, this is a bit of an injustice, and I feel that. I try to keep it in the lanes with our “stuff”. But, as all writers know, sometimes a liability of the profession is pissing people off. Truth is truth, and it’s tough to leave out all the details and really get at the heart of things.

This is something that is critical not only for meaningful literature, but for sincere transformation. As a coach, this is always at the heart of the work I do. How honest can we be with ourselves in order to actually enact change? How real can we get? How authentic can we be?

When Violet was sick, I was faced with a lot of ugly truths that I tried, in typical Shawna fashion, to sugar coat. Things like guilt, resentment, fear. Things like regret and judgment and rage. Really, truly ugly stuff, like being jealous of a friend whose child had better odds of survival than yours, or who got out of the hospital before you. Even now, things like shame and guilt live in me like a parasite, eating away at my sense of confidence and clarity and compassion.

Ugly truths, however, are open doors to evolution. Simply recognizing that where you are is where you are is a powerful thing. But instead of trying to validate it to others, we have the opportunity to radically embrace what is and use it as a platform for something new.

That’s currently where I’m at. I’m giving myself the pep talk – the one I give to others. There’s no shame in where you are. There’s only the possibility of where you can go.

I’ve started a wellness journey (I cringe a bit at that language as its used so much that it feels “pitchy”, but it does describe what I’m on accurately). Once upon a time, I was an avid client of a company that is focused on health and wellness, and fate has brought me back to it. It’s been a revelation for me after so many years of “dabbling” in my own wellness. It’s a commitment to transforming my life – not just my eating habits or exercise routine, but my actual prioritization of my own self-care. And it’s got a community to go along with it that is exactly aligned with those goals.

But here’s the thing – I’ve had to face facts. Be where I am. Radically accept myself right where I stand. Because there’s always a story that explains us – excuses our embarrassments – but it isn’t necessary. And if I don’t want others to feel like they have to defend themselves, then I shouldn’t, either.

Today is the “before” reveal day. It means posting a picture of myself “before” the changes start to be seen. Today is maybe the most vulnerable day I’ve had in…well, I don’t know. Ever?

Why is that? Because of the meaning I have given that “before” shot. Because, to me, it is an open invitation to criticism and alienation. “How did you let yourself get that way?” “What happened to you?” “Don’t you have any self control?”

Or, maybe the most terrifying… “we’ll see if there’s actually any change in a few weeks.”

Because what if there isn’t? What if I fail? What if I put myself out there in the most vulnerable way and all the haters are (gulp) right?

Well, I guess that leaves me right back at square one. But at least I did it. At least, maybe, I inspired someone else to do it, too.

Sometimes life puts us in a position where we HAVE to be vulnerable. We have to let things be ugly and exposed. We have to accept that we don’t have control.

But when we do it to ourselves on purpose…now THAT’S scary.

The most important piece in all of this is that this kind of vulnerability, as Brene Brown would say, “is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope empathy, accountability, and authenticity.” It is the path to opportunity. And you can’t get others to take that path just by waving your hand toward it. You have to lead them. You have to travel it yourself.

Today I will post my “before” picture, not because I want to market my change, but simply because it makes me vulnerable. And courageous. And committed.

There is intimacy in vulnerability, and truly, nothing in life is more worth it.

Maybe today I will encourage a little vulnerability in others, too.