Fresh Beginnings

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

When I started this blog, it was with the intention of documenting a personal journey through change. At the time, it was focused on the idea that personal change is hard, and that breaking bad habits and starting new ones isn’t always as easy as it is to coach about.

Of course, the focus shifted when Violet got sick, and the blog transitioned into a journal about moving through that particular challenge. The blog about change changed – how appropriate.

Now that we are nearing eleven months post-treatment, life continues to evolve, and with it, our perspectives and priorities. Violet is now in middle school, and the shift is palpable. She doesn’t want lame graphics on her clothes. She doesn’t want her mother dropping her off at the front door. She wants to wear lip gloss and eye liner. She wants autonomy and freedom and recognition of her maturity. And it is so beautiful, even if it scares the living %$@! out of me.

It is an example of how life is in constant flux. We can either ride the tides of change, or continually back paddle, trying to stay close to the shore where we can hang on to something and try to deny the current.

The current is moving swiftly in our lives at the moment. I can feel it. It’s a time for new beginnings, and for acknowledging goals and dreams that have been kept curbed at the wayside, deprioritized next to the immediate concerns we’ve had to tackle for so long. Falling away when old habits and crutches creep in to take their role.

For me, I am returning to the intent I had at the beginning of this project – to document my own transformation into something healthier, lighter, happier, while demonstrating to others just how “real” the process can be. Or maybe just acknowledging it to myself, so that I have concrete proof that even when things are hard, it’s worth it. Or maybe I just needed accountability, and putting words on a page seems like it validated goals as “real things”.

For whatever reason, I’ve recommitted, and am bringing my A-game, if I’ve got one.

Doors are constantly opening for all of us, but they don’t mean much unless you walk through them (and don’t turn around and run back out).

Change is hard. We are programmed to find ways to settle into predictability so that we don’t have to make decisions. So that we don’t have to change. But it is a false sense of security, and it doesn’t ever do us any favours to listen to the fears and doubts within that cling to stale structures from the past.

I want to be fit. Healthy. Not just the “ok” version of myself that goes on trends and spurts, running a half marathon and then spending a month on the couch. Waking up to a nutritious bowl of berries and chia and ending the day with a pint of Haagen Dazs.

I want the aesthetics. I would love to fit into the clothes again that I have tucked in the back corner of my closet. I would love not to feel anxious when someone posts a group photo in Facebook that I’ve been caught in. But those are things that I can work with internally. Really, at the end of the day, aesthetics are truly in the eye of the beholder. We are all beautiful, and I use that line constantly when I’m starting at the freezer justifying that late night snack.

What I would really like to do is give myself a chance to feel better. Not just better. The best I’ve ever felt. Why not? The “universe” keeps giving me reminders that today is all we’ve got, and that feeling good in our own skin is a privilege. I am reminded every time I look at photos of Violet with blood caked in the corner of her mouth. Don’t. Take. Health. For. Granted.

There are so many things that I want from this. Energy. Vitality. Confidence. Stamina. Longevity in my life. Setting an example for my kids. Practicing what I preach. All of it. That was the goal at the beginning of this journey, and the path that has led me to here has only amplified my desire.

I want Violet to be proud of me. For putting my money where my mouth is. For showing up for myself the way I have tried to teach her. I want to be proud of myself, too.

But it takes commitment. Focus. And community. Nothing is harder than trying to make a huge transformation in your life when your only cheering squad is in your head (especially when that cheering squad goes dormant at 7:15 pm).

I’m on a journey. A new one. It feels fresh, now, but I know how this goes. I know how I start to lose momentum. I know how the fear kicks in. But I’ve got a good support system this time, and a renewed sense of commitment, and a lot more life wisdom to guide me through. Here’s to new beginnings – let’s see where this one takes me.