Stubborn Habits
I didn’t start drinking coffee until I was 25. I avoided the lure of it through countless afternoons as a teenager sitting in coffee shops, in university cramming for exams, at holiday gatherings after too much turkey. When I taught English in Korea, everyone drank instant coffee in the office - the kind of crap that sticks to your throat and coats your breathe in bitter decay. So of course that seemed like a perfect opportunity to start a habit that would end up a catalyst to intensifying a genetic mood disorder down the road.
I’ve been struggling with anxiety and severe mood swings most of my life, but it wasn’t until after having children, and most recently this past year or so of panic attacks, that it has become something I can no longer ignore. Anxiety, irritability, deep and sudden strokes of depression and violent bouts of anger have been cluttering an otherwise peaceful, patient existence over the past few years, and have now been categorized as PMDD (post-menstrual dysphoric disorder) and early onset menopause. It’s tough to explain to those that have not experienced this kind of health stress, but I would compare it to temporary insanity, personality metamorphoses, and emotional upheavals that render a person dysfunctional and totally awful to be around.
My most important goal in life is to love. Truly. To live in a place of open acceptance, gratitude and charity. And let me tell you, these hormone explosions make it impossible to be anything but reactive, self-absorbed and hateful. It’s ugly, to say the least, and I’d give anything to change it.
So why am I sharing all of this? This project of allowance is intended to be an experiment toward growth and change. And if there is anything I can identify as an area I intend to try to change, it is my hormonal health. I want to be me as much of the time as I can, and that means taking the reins on the chemical balance in my body. But this isn’t a new thing. I have been battling this years now, visiting doctors and psychologists and gynecologists. I have taken tests, read every book, researched every theory. And one consistent piece of advice? Quit the sugar and caffeine.
Simple. Stop drinking the damn coffee. Problem solved. OK, maybe not solved, but significantly improved.
So here I am, committed not only to myself but out in the open on a visual platform like this, promising to take action, and what do I do when I get up this morning?
I pour myself a damn coffee.
Willpower is a funny thing. PositivePsychology.com has a very informative article about The Psychology of Willpower, including multiple videos discussing the merits of developing willpower, and the strategies to do so. What resonated with me was the end section of the article discussing ways ways to strengthen willpower. According to the article, 5 strategies for enhancing our ability to exercise self-control, and postpone immediate gratification in favour of long term gain, are the following:
Improve Your Self-Awareness
Meditate
Exercise
Eat Well
Relax
Oddly enough (or maybe not at all strange), I have intended to focus on these 5 key areas in my path to self-improvement this year already. After reading this article, I began to think of how I could apply this immediately to my predicament, and somehow dump that sugary cup of Joe in the sink once and for all.
I took this to heart. I sat, mug in hand, and thought. What was it I was achieving by drinking this stuff despite my best intentions to avoid it? Self-awareness, after all, is the ability to discern our own tendencies, desires, and motivations. What exactly is my motivation, my personal traits that encourage this behaviour?
Truthfully, it isn’t my love affair with coffee’s acidic tang. After all, I didn’t even drink the stuff most of my life because I thought it was disgusting. It’s the story I’ve attached to it. The fact that, in the morning, before my children and husband wake up and my emails get opened and my responsibilities of the day kidnap my momentum, I sit down with a jigsaw puzzle and sip my warm, comforting brew. It has become inherently embedded in my ritual of self-care. My morning coffee is my moment with me. My treat to myself before I “sacrifice my day to others”.
So there was my first discovery - I have a storyline that says that my obligation to others is a sacrifice, and needs to be compensated for. I deserve this escape. This treat. So could this be replaced? Either the treat itself, or the story that I was somehow sacrificing the other hours of my day? Because in truth, I’m grateful for every bit of connection and contribution I get to make in the lives of others. Is there really a sob story that needs to be soothed with caffeine?
And so, I meditated. I quieted my mind. I let the story, and the coffee, go, just for a few minutes. I settled into my body, breathed into the craving to get up and keep drinking before it got cold. I let it in, made space for it, and let it go.
And without a doubt, something shifted.
The kids got up, I got distracted with their chaos, and once we had settled things down, I went on the treadmill. One more attempt to shake off the magnetic pull. Turns out, exercise was my ultimate tool. An hour on that baby and I could have given up the beans for a lifetime and then some.
These sentiments, of course, don’t last. The desire comes back, and the storyline works its way back into the brain. But it’s a process. Part of my process this year is testing out tools, and also giving myself the kindness and understanding to slip. Like in meditation, we need to come back to the breathe, come back to the body, come back to our intentions and let go of the old thoughts and stories and habits moment by moment. The more we do it, the more we feel empowered to do it next time, until it isn’t a battle.
I poured that coffee, but two sips in it sat there on the table and cooled right off. I tried some tools, out of curiosity more than anything, and I won, this time. The coffee went down the drain, and my motivation and confidence to do it next time went up. I turned it around, without forcing anything. If I can relax, maybe I can get some momentum going with this in the right direction. Maybe tomorrow will only be one sip. We’ll see.
Tackling eating well, now that’s another story (and blog post)…